Richard Book is Innocent (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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tweedandtinsel2010-12-04 07:44 pm
oxfordtweed) wrote in tweedandtinsel2010-12-04 07:44 pm
Five Things Hugh Grant Would Never Get Away With
Title:Five Things Hugh Grant Would Never Get Away With
(Well, except for in that one film that was blatantly taking the piss out of Pop/American Idol)
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Character/s:Nicholas/Danny
Word Count (chapter/total): 1000
Rating: R
Summary/Warnings: Will Nicholas and Danny ever figure out what the hell they're doing? I wouldn't put money on it.
Takes place immediately after the last Five Things fic, which itself is a follow-up. Unlike the other two, it mostly takes place in a very quick progression of events, which is probably cheating, but since they both still manage to do some incredibly stupid things, I think it works. Even if it is cheating. Which it probably is. The title is taken more or less from a line in the previous one, which was written after some serious Hugh Grant influence. And don't worry; I'm not going to spoil American Dreamz for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it really isn't your typical Hugh Grant film. It had me making this face D: more than once. (Good lord. Could my fic commentary get any gayer?)
Also, I'm not posting this to Sandford until someone else says something over there. I feel like I'm spamming the poor place, with the last three somethings said being from me. Consider this post an advanced screening, or something. :P
Five Things Hugh Grant Would Never Get Away With
(Well, except for in that one film that was blatantly taking the piss out of Pop/American Idol)
As soon as he left the car, he knew it had been a mistake. Everyone knows you don’t leave the damn car, but it was too late to turn back now. He was furious with himself, with the entire situation, damning and blasting everything to hell. He slammed the door shut as he stomped through his front gate and up to the cottage, his hands shaking nearly too much to control by the time he tried to pull his keys from his pocket.
He didn’t even hear Danny step out of the car and follow him up the steps, too busy cursing himself and fumbling with keys that didn’t want to fit into the lock. It wasn’t until he managed to get the door open without kicking it in, did he even notice the presence behind him.
“Danny, please,” he said unsteadily as he walked to the kitchen, throwing his keys down on the table. Daring to look back, he saw Danny, still by the open door, refusing to move. “I’m out of options. I don’t know what the fuck you want, and you’re not telling me.”
Danny stood in the door way, his arms crossed over his chest. When it became clear that he wasn’t leaving any time soon, and definitely not on his own accord, Nicholas stomped over to him.
“What do you want from me?” he demanded. “I’m not playing this guessing game anymore.”
Danny snorted lightly. “I dunno,” he said, shrugging lightly, looking up at the ceiling. “You to figure out what you want? A definite response? Maybe a blowjob?”
Nicholas only looked at him for a few moments before reaching out for the door, swinging it shut. “What?” he asked. “Right here?”
“What?” Before Danny could protest, Nicholas was already on his knees, making a very quick job at removing Danny’s belt.
They both sat on Nicholas’ sofa with a can of beer each. The television was off, the only light in the cottage coming from the kitchen behind them.
It was Nicholas who finally broke the silence, sighing deeply. “I think...” he started slowly, “that maybe you should go.”
Danny’s attention snapped to Nicholas. “What?” he demanded. “Are you fucking serious? After that?”
Nicholas chewed his thumb nail for a few moments before looking over at Danny. “Well...” He’d had everything lined up in his head, exactly word for work how he’d say it, but now that the words were actually coming out, the script seemed to completely crumble. “I mean... Yeah?”
“This is exactly what I was fucking talking about!” Danny snapped, slamming his barely-touched beer down on the coffee table. Nicholas was so startled at the whole situation that he didn’t even think to hassle him about using a coaster. “You don’t even know what the hell it is that you want, do you?”
He got to his feet and made his way to the door, with Nicholas following after him hesitantly. “I do,” Nicholas insisted. “It’s just...”
It was Danny’s turn to sigh. “Forget it,” he said, throwing the front door open. “This is me. Going.” He stepped out of the cottage, slamming the door behind him.
Nicholas watched from his desk, as one by one, the other officers wandered in and out of the station. He’d watched every damn one of them pass by his office at least five times each, except for Danny, who could do one hell of a job at avoiding someone if he put his mind to it.
Eventually, he gave up, and as six o’clock rolled around, Nicholas admitted that he hadn’t done anything anyway, and made his way to the locker room. He changed out of his uniform in silence, jumping slightly when he heard the door open behind him. Turning sharply, he saw Danny standing awkwardly at the door, as though trying to decide if he should change, or if he should suddenly go run an errand he’d previously been forgetting.
“Busy day?” Nicholas asked dully.
Danny only shrugged as he made his way to his own locker. “I guess,” he responded.
“Listen, about last night,” Nicholas started.
“Don’t,” Danny said sharply. “I don’t wanna hear about how drunk you was. I know you didn’t drink nothing at the pub last night.”
“That wasn’t what I was going to say, actually,” Nicholas said unevenly as he closed his locker.
Danny didn’t look away from his shirt as he slowly undid the buttons. “Then what?”
Nicholas leaned against his locker, taking a few moments to gather his words. “You said I don’t know what I want, and... you’re right,” he said simply. “But I know what I don’t want. I don’t want something cheap and meaningless like what happened last night.”
Blinking, Danny finally looked over at him. “You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” he asked. Nicholas only shrugged. “Do you need a lift home?”
An added bonus to the Golf’s excellent rear leg room is how far back the front seats are able to slide; a feature often overlooked by even the most obnoxious motoring reviewers. Danny himself hadn’t even previously noticed this feature until turning onto Spencer Hill, which was a mostly deserted and thus not-well-lit area of Sandford. Lit only by the light in the glove compartment, which Nicholas had accidentally opened when he crawled out of his own seat, Danny lightly traced his fingers across the small of Nicholas’ back.
“The neighbours are going to start talking,” Nicholas said, still panting against Danny’s chest.
“You only got one neighbour,” Danny pointed out. “And he’s been talking, already.”
“Oh.” Still Nicholas sat up, struggling to keep his balance since his knees didn’t quite know where to rest without getting stuck on the handbrake or the door handle. Looking at the situation from this angle, he wasn’t even sure how he’d managed to get out of his trousers at all.
Finally, Danny shifted and opened the door, managing to slide himself out from under Nicholas. “Watch the upholstery,” he warned stiffly.
“What?” Nicholas asked automatically. “Oh.” He watched as Danny quickly zipped himself up before sliding into his own trousers with minimal fuss and pain before climbing out to the gravel outside his cottage. “Shower?” he offered, shutting the car door as he made his way to the front gate.
“Only if you don’t make me go home afterwards,” Danny said, already following after.
(Well, except for in that one film that was blatantly taking the piss out of Pop/American Idol)
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Character/s:Nicholas/Danny
Word Count (chapter/total): 1000
Rating: R
Summary/Warnings: Will Nicholas and Danny ever figure out what the hell they're doing? I wouldn't put money on it.
Takes place immediately after the last Five Things fic, which itself is a follow-up. Unlike the other two, it mostly takes place in a very quick progression of events, which is probably cheating, but since they both still manage to do some incredibly stupid things, I think it works. Even if it is cheating. Which it probably is. The title is taken more or less from a line in the previous one, which was written after some serious Hugh Grant influence. And don't worry; I'm not going to spoil American Dreamz for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it really isn't your typical Hugh Grant film. It had me making this face D: more than once. (Good lord. Could my fic commentary get any gayer?)
Also, I'm not posting this to Sandford until someone else says something over there. I feel like I'm spamming the poor place, with the last three somethings said being from me. Consider this post an advanced screening, or something. :P
Five Things Hugh Grant Would Never Get Away With
(Well, except for in that one film that was blatantly taking the piss out of Pop/American Idol)
As soon as he left the car, he knew it had been a mistake. Everyone knows you don’t leave the damn car, but it was too late to turn back now. He was furious with himself, with the entire situation, damning and blasting everything to hell. He slammed the door shut as he stomped through his front gate and up to the cottage, his hands shaking nearly too much to control by the time he tried to pull his keys from his pocket.
He didn’t even hear Danny step out of the car and follow him up the steps, too busy cursing himself and fumbling with keys that didn’t want to fit into the lock. It wasn’t until he managed to get the door open without kicking it in, did he even notice the presence behind him.
“Danny, please,” he said unsteadily as he walked to the kitchen, throwing his keys down on the table. Daring to look back, he saw Danny, still by the open door, refusing to move. “I’m out of options. I don’t know what the fuck you want, and you’re not telling me.”
Danny stood in the door way, his arms crossed over his chest. When it became clear that he wasn’t leaving any time soon, and definitely not on his own accord, Nicholas stomped over to him.
“What do you want from me?” he demanded. “I’m not playing this guessing game anymore.”
Danny snorted lightly. “I dunno,” he said, shrugging lightly, looking up at the ceiling. “You to figure out what you want? A definite response? Maybe a blowjob?”
Nicholas only looked at him for a few moments before reaching out for the door, swinging it shut. “What?” he asked. “Right here?”
“What?” Before Danny could protest, Nicholas was already on his knees, making a very quick job at removing Danny’s belt.
They both sat on Nicholas’ sofa with a can of beer each. The television was off, the only light in the cottage coming from the kitchen behind them.
It was Nicholas who finally broke the silence, sighing deeply. “I think...” he started slowly, “that maybe you should go.”
Danny’s attention snapped to Nicholas. “What?” he demanded. “Are you fucking serious? After that?”
Nicholas chewed his thumb nail for a few moments before looking over at Danny. “Well...” He’d had everything lined up in his head, exactly word for work how he’d say it, but now that the words were actually coming out, the script seemed to completely crumble. “I mean... Yeah?”
“This is exactly what I was fucking talking about!” Danny snapped, slamming his barely-touched beer down on the coffee table. Nicholas was so startled at the whole situation that he didn’t even think to hassle him about using a coaster. “You don’t even know what the hell it is that you want, do you?”
He got to his feet and made his way to the door, with Nicholas following after him hesitantly. “I do,” Nicholas insisted. “It’s just...”
It was Danny’s turn to sigh. “Forget it,” he said, throwing the front door open. “This is me. Going.” He stepped out of the cottage, slamming the door behind him.
Nicholas watched from his desk, as one by one, the other officers wandered in and out of the station. He’d watched every damn one of them pass by his office at least five times each, except for Danny, who could do one hell of a job at avoiding someone if he put his mind to it.
Eventually, he gave up, and as six o’clock rolled around, Nicholas admitted that he hadn’t done anything anyway, and made his way to the locker room. He changed out of his uniform in silence, jumping slightly when he heard the door open behind him. Turning sharply, he saw Danny standing awkwardly at the door, as though trying to decide if he should change, or if he should suddenly go run an errand he’d previously been forgetting.
“Busy day?” Nicholas asked dully.
Danny only shrugged as he made his way to his own locker. “I guess,” he responded.
“Listen, about last night,” Nicholas started.
“Don’t,” Danny said sharply. “I don’t wanna hear about how drunk you was. I know you didn’t drink nothing at the pub last night.”
“That wasn’t what I was going to say, actually,” Nicholas said unevenly as he closed his locker.
Danny didn’t look away from his shirt as he slowly undid the buttons. “Then what?”
Nicholas leaned against his locker, taking a few moments to gather his words. “You said I don’t know what I want, and... you’re right,” he said simply. “But I know what I don’t want. I don’t want something cheap and meaningless like what happened last night.”
Blinking, Danny finally looked over at him. “You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” he asked. Nicholas only shrugged. “Do you need a lift home?”
An added bonus to the Golf’s excellent rear leg room is how far back the front seats are able to slide; a feature often overlooked by even the most obnoxious motoring reviewers. Danny himself hadn’t even previously noticed this feature until turning onto Spencer Hill, which was a mostly deserted and thus not-well-lit area of Sandford. Lit only by the light in the glove compartment, which Nicholas had accidentally opened when he crawled out of his own seat, Danny lightly traced his fingers across the small of Nicholas’ back.
“The neighbours are going to start talking,” Nicholas said, still panting against Danny’s chest.
“You only got one neighbour,” Danny pointed out. “And he’s been talking, already.”
“Oh.” Still Nicholas sat up, struggling to keep his balance since his knees didn’t quite know where to rest without getting stuck on the handbrake or the door handle. Looking at the situation from this angle, he wasn’t even sure how he’d managed to get out of his trousers at all.
Finally, Danny shifted and opened the door, managing to slide himself out from under Nicholas. “Watch the upholstery,” he warned stiffly.
“What?” Nicholas asked automatically. “Oh.” He watched as Danny quickly zipped himself up before sliding into his own trousers with minimal fuss and pain before climbing out to the gravel outside his cottage. “Shower?” he offered, shutting the car door as he made his way to the front gate.
“Only if you don’t make me go home afterwards,” Danny said, already following after.