Text Message Transcripts: Christmas Edition

[oxfordtweed]

Fandom: Sherlock
Character/s: Sherlock Holmes, Mycroft Holmes
Word Count: 500
Rating: G
Summary: Sherlock tries to avoid Christmas at all costs (and at Mycroft's expense).
Notes/Warnings: Still bored. Have some crack.



I’m not coming to Christmas this year.
SH

Have you told Mummy this yet?
Mycroft

No. She’s smart enough to realise that I won’t be coming when I don’t show up.
SH

This is a good time to practise that common courtesy thing everyone’s always talking to you about.
Mycroft

What’s the point?
SH

Are you actually asking, or being a child?
Mycroft

If you have to ask, you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. Congratulations. I didn’t know that was possible.
SH

Why won’t you be coming for Christmas, Sherlock?
Mycroft

Like you don’t know? Yeah right.
SH

No. And that was your Christmas present this year.
Mycroft

Brilliant. Now piss off.
SH

Grateful as always. I think the phrase you were looking for is ‘thank you.’
Mycroft

Whatever.
SH

You’re not going to tell me?
Mycroft

No. I rather like having secrets for a change. Isn’t that what normal people do?
SH

What did you do?
Mycroft

House arrest? Really, Sherlock?
Mycroft

How’s the diet?
SH

Don’t change the subject. If this is what happens when I take my eyes off you for a week, I’m afraid I’m going to have to elevate your surveillance level. Permanently.
Mycroft

Where was John during all this? I’ll have to have words with him.
Mycroft

I sent him to Croydon. He had nothing to do with it, and I’d prefer that you kept it that way.
SH

Sherlock, I can’t keep cleaning up after you. This is the last time. A car will be round to pick you up tomorrow morning.
Mycroft

Don’t bother. If being on house arrest means I don’t have to see your fat face, then I’ll cope.
SH

Maybe we’ll all have to come to 221b Baker for Christmas this year.
Mycroft

You wouldn’t dare.
SH

Mycroft, I’m serious. I know you’re phoning people right now. Don’t do it.
SH

On second thought, I won’t be here tomorrow. I think the Met can probably arrange for a nice, comfortable jail cell for me to stay in tomorrow.
SH

Don’t be ridiculous.
Mycroft

Need anything from the shop?
SH

Sherlock, I’m not pulling any strings for you. I hope you realise what you’re doing.
Mycroft

Of course I do. I’m getting more nicotine patches. I’d send John, but he’s still in Croydon.
SH

Mummy will not be pleased.
Mycroft

Sherlock, this is the last time. After this, no more. You’re old enough to know better.
Mycroft

I cannot believe you did that. You hateful walrus. I still won’t be home tomorrow. Say hello to John for me.
SH

Now you’re just trying to get arrested again. Those cameras are not cheap.
Mycroft

Thank you for stating the obvious.
SH

Go home, Sherlock. You win. Happy Christmas.
Mycroft

This really is the last time. You’re lucky I’m feeling generous today.
Mycroft

That thing that you just did. That was good.
SH

You’re welcome. Now please, try not to get arrested again on your way home.
Mycroft

OK
SH