Text Message Transcripts between Mycroft and Sherlock Holmes (vol 2)

[oxfordtweed]

Fandom: Sherlock
Character/s: Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock Holmes
Word Count: 700
Rating: G
Summary: Not-so-average sibling rivalry.
Notes/Warnings: More Text!Fic, because I finished my Yuletide on time, and want to celebrate. I think we can safely assume that these conversations all happen while John is out of the house, and Sherlock is having a sulk on the sofa because he’s bored.



Go stick your head in a pig.
SH

?
MH

You heard.
SH

Do I even want to know what prompted this lashing out of unprovoked aggression today?
MH

I found your bugs.
SH

Perhaps you should ring an exterminator.
MH

You know full well that’s not what I meant, Mycroft.
SH

Oh, don’t state the obvious, Sherlock. It’s so pedestrian.
MH

I hate you.
SH

I know you don’t mean that.
MH

No, I do. I hate you with every molecule of my body, and I wish you would disappear forever. I’d take care of it myself, but I don’t want to upset Mummy.
SH

Sherlock, when was the last time you saw your therapist?
MH

I don’t need your therapists, Mycroft, just like I don’t need you to pay off Mrs Hudson to keep from evicting me. I’m FINE.
SH

You can’t stop me from worrying.
MH

Just like I can’t stop you from bugging my flat, apparently.
SH

I did nothing of the sort.
MH

You are the worst liar on the planet. Stop now, before you strain a muscle.
SH

It’s so cute the way you ignore me when you know I’m right.
SH

I’m not ignoring you.
MH

I hope that microphone wasn’t expensive. If you’re wondering what that sound just was, it’s the sound your stupid spy toys make when they’re introduced to a blender.
SH

I’ve just found another one, and have dispatched of it by way of the toaster.
SH

Why would you have my room bugged? I haven’t even been in there since Tuesday.
SH

Are you quite finished?
MH

Only if you are.
SH

A camera? Are you serious? Mycroft, you disgust and disappoint me.
SH

John’s going to be late today. Thought you’d want to know.
MH

You’re spying on John, now?
SH

Aren’t you going to tell me why he’s late? You can’t just open something like that and not tell me.
SH

I thought you might rather enjoy a challenge.
MH

He wasn’t on at the surgery today, but Sarah was, so he’s not gone to hers. Unless he went there to stay alone, but he wouldn’t do that. He gets bored too easily, and when he gets bored he starts to limp again. He’s not doing the shopping, because that doesn’t take all day, and he doesn’t do it without being told. It’s possible he’s playing away, but I don’t think so. He spends too much time with Sarah to maintain anything else.

Mycroft, you utter lazy fatarse. Get someone else to do your legwork for you.
SH

Is that the best insult you could come up with?
MH

I don’t want to waste the good ones on you. You’re not worth the effort.
SH

Watch out behind you.
SH

Thank you, Sherlock. Your little friend better not take anything from my wallet before he delivers it to you.
MH

What kind of idiot carries a wallet, anyway? Yes, let’s just put all of our important documents, cards, and money in one place that can be easily taken all at once.
SH

Your driving licence photo is dreadful. You look like a toad. What did you weigh in this? 20 stone?
SH

Flattering as always, Sherlock. I’ll be stopping by to collect that now.
MH

Good. Say hello to Mrs Hudson for me.
SH

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that coat looks over that dressing gown of yours? Honestly, Sherlock. You could have at least put on some shoes.
MH

Go stick your head in a pig.
SH