64 Things Sherlock Holmes is no Longer Allowed to do now that he lives with John Watson

[oxfordtweed]

Fandom: Sherlock (BBC)
Character/s: Holmes, Watson
Word Count: 1000
Rating: PG
Summary: After John moved in to 221b Baker Street, he made Sherlock write a list of everything he’s not allowed to do.
Notes/Warnings: Oh, god. I don’t even know. Warnings for dead things, I guess. Nothing worse than you’d see on the show.

64 Things Sherlock Holmes is no Longer Allowed to do now that he lives with John Watson

1. Between the hours of midnight and six o’clock AM, my violin is to stay inside its case.


2. During these same hours, I am to use headphones should I listen to any music.


3. These same hours are also off-limits to any and all experiments. Especially those that have the possibility of setting fire to something, exploding, or causing any sort of physical harm to the flat or myself.


4. I am not to bother John while he is in the shower unless one of us is minutes from a very painful death. Bothering John otherwise will have the consequence of a very painful death.


5. The Internet being shut off due to non-payment does not meet the above criteria.


6. Next time I want to shave any part of John, I am to ask first.


7. The answer will always be no.


8. Knowing that the answer will be no does not mean that I am allowed to do so without asking.


9. My experiments are to stay out of John’s bedroom.


10. All experiments in the kitchen are to remain labelled.


11. They are also to remain in designated containers. Re-labelling the margarine tub does not count as keeping my experiments labelled.


12. The bath is strictly off limits for any and all experiments. Especially those dealing with decomposition rates.


13. In fact, any decomposition experiments are to remain outside.


14. Human heads do not belong in the fridge, on the stairs, by any windows, in the toilet, under the sink, in any cupboards, in any beds, under any beds, or in any wardrobes.


15. This goes for any other human body part.


16. Or animal body part.


17. In-tact animal carcases count as body parts.


18. It is not solely John’s responsibility to pay the bills.


19. I may not remove the wall chart with due dates. Nor will I deface, mangle, vandalise, or otherwise tamper with the wall chart in any way.


20. This includes covering it with evidence for a case.


21. Wall charts do not lie. Being an inanimate object, they are incapable of such things.


22. The person writing on the wall chart is able to lie. As such, I am no longer allowed to write on the wall chart.


23. John’s mobile is not my personal toy.


24. Nor is his laptop.


25. This means that I am not allowed to change his passwords. Doing so does not claim them as mine.


26. John does not like being made to donate blood for an experiment without first giving consent.


27. Or saliva.


28. Asking for consent does not necessarily mean that he will grant it.


29. Under no circumstances am I to ever again ask him to donate semen for any purposes, ever.


30. Especially not with Mrs Hudson in the room.


31. I am still not allowed to experiment on John. In any way, shape, or form.


32. Nor am I allowed to cook any meals without first sanitising the entire kitchen.


33. Sanitising also means cleaning everything off of the worktop, as toenails are not a palatable ingredient in anything.


34. Neither are fingernails.


35. I am not to imply to Lestrade that the reason they never found the victim’s hand is because it’s currently in our fridge, next to the clotted cream.


36. If I do imply such things, I am not to imply that John knew about it.


37. John will only bail me out if I ask nicely.


38. He will not bail me out if he has also been arrested with me.


39. I am not to do anything that may see John arrested, as a criminal record is apparently beneath him.


40. Insulting John will not endear him to me.


41. Neither does interrupting his dates.


42. Especially not if I do so while holding anything that may have, at one point, been alive.


43. It is not my place to tell John anything about his dates that he does not already know.


44. Even if he does already know the details, he still does not wish to hear them from me.


45. I am not allowed to use this against him when he asks why I failed to inform him that his date is the serial killer we’d been tracking for the last fortnight.


46. In fact, should anything like this ever happen again, I am to alert John immediately.


47. Bees have no place in the flat. If I must experiment with them, I must do so outside.


48. Even the dead ones, as they are still capable of stinging.


49. I am not allowed to experiment on John while he is going into anaphylactic shock. I am, instead, to dial 999 at once.


50. Even after that, I am not allowed to experiment on John.


51. This includes after the ordeal is over, and I want to know what else he’s allergic to.


52. I am not allowed to bring anything into the house that’s part of the new list on the wall chart, under penalty of a very painful death.


53. John will know if I sneak anything from this list into the house, because he will inevitably find it by accident and have a reaction to it.


54. No, I am not allowed to try to find a better hiding spot for the items on the list.


55. Yes, I would have been able to work out the items on the list, but the purpose of putting it on the wall chart is so I know exactly what to avoid bringing into the house. Playing the ignorance card on this matter will not work now, and will never work in the future.


56. Being bored is not an acceptable reason to remove everything from the flat.


57. Nor is it an acceptable reason to drop the smaller objects from the roof.


58. Nor will it provide reason to convince anyone to replace the items that were damaged.


59. Neither will moaning about having to sleep on the floor.


60. Just because John’s bed is still in one piece does not mean that I am allowed to sleep in it.


61. I am especially not allowed to sleep in John’s bed while John is in it.


62. I am never again allowed to try to sleep in John’s bed while John and his current girlfriend are in it.


63. Not even if John’s girlfriend invites me.


64. Or his boyfriend.